what to do, when you don’t know what to do…

I sometimes struggle with doing
What I feel is good for me,
Because I'm feeling guilty.
As if I'm a spoiled little child
Who is never satisfied.

Do you know what I mean?
That deep inside
You know what you need
But that there are
Layers and layers of heaviness
Telling you "no".

My inner critic says

"When is it ever enough?"
"Others have it so much worse."
"See how lucky you are,
Why do you want something else?"
"You're spoiled."
"Why do you need
To have it all 'your way'?"
"Why that constant hunger
For more, more, more?"

Very exhausting.
It's like I can never win.
If I follow what I want most,
The critical voice berates me.
If I deny myself my hearts' desire
I am left depleted, flat and sad.
Either way,
I feel tired.

"choices are the hinges of destiny."

phytagoras

And funnily enough
When an outsider,
Like a friend, or my husband
Tells me "Go for it"
There is this huge
Feeling of relief:
External permission
Has been granted!
Hooray!


It makes me smile
Even reading these words,
As they flow out of my mind
Onto the pages.

And do you know
What the real solution is?
To trust.

That might come as a surprise.
Let me explain:

Often when we face a challenge
The solution is either A or B.
In the example I gave:
A. follow our heart, or
B. follow our inner critic.
We think in these binary options.
A or B.
Yes or no.
But in my experience
Liberation can often be found
In an option C.

Something new,
Something you've never
Thought of before.
An outcome so refreshing,
So intuitively right,
That you are left wondering
Why you never thought
Of it before.

How to get there?
I hear your wonder...

“Surrender is like a fish finding the current, and going with it.”

- Mark Nepo -

Step 1)
Begin with connecting
With how you wish to feel.
When you get what you want,
What happens inside?
It's like this:
A holiday -> rest and joy
A loft extension -> space
Moving to the country -> peace
A partner -> feeling loved.

Step 2)
Recognise that the deeper longing
Can be realised without
Necessarily getting what you wanted,
That what you believed 'would solve it all'.
And that your desired inner experience
Has many ways to being fulfilled.

Step 3)
Express how you wish to feel
To those involved,
And request their support.
Let them figure out how they'll help,
You might get a pleasant surprise :)
Maybe ask if there's something
You can do for them too?

Take action: research, explore, plan, investigate.

For your dreams to come true,
Prayer alone might not be enough
A healthy balance between activity and receptivity is key.

Step 4)
Express your deeper longing
To the universe as well.
Request for it to be granted.
Hand it over,
Surrender it to something bigger,
Let it go
And trust...
Allow yourself
To be surprised
Of the ways in which the universe
Will show you the path.

Maybe you won't get a loft extension
But a mum/dad cave in the garden.
Maybe the holiday abroad is skipped,
But your parents offer
To take the kids for two weeks.
It might look very different
To what you had imagined.
But the resulting feeling inside
Is the same,
Or who knows, even better...

I wish you happiness.

​
With love,
Karin